Saturday, June 30, 2007

Iran Approves Temporary Gay Marriage

A Cafe Cordover Satire

In a move that sent shockwaves throughout the Muslim world, Iran's Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a fatwa that legalized temporary gay marriage. "For the sake of our righteous soldiers who seek to become shahids [martyrs], it is incumbent upon the Islamic Republic to encourage temporary marriage betwixt these brave heroes. Only through such an act of personal bonding can we guarantee that our young ones will fight for one another as well as for the ummah [Islamic community]. Death to America! Death to the Zionist Dogs!"

"This is fantabulous!" shouted Jaffar al-Husayni, a member of the elite Revolutionary Guards, upon hearing the news. "I mean, I would never do it, but I'm so excited for my luscious young comrades! Fighting is so hard, and we--I mean they--need some relief once in awhile. Death to America! Wohooooo! And Death to those fat & ugly Zionist Dogs! I mean, seriously."

Temporary marriage between a man and a woman, known as Mut'a in Arabic, has long been accepted in Shia schools of Islam. A couple agrees to a contract that binds them in marriage for a preset amount of time, with no minimum or maximum marriage time required. Thus, in the Shia view, it allows the couple fulfill their sexual needs without transgressing the rules of the Quran. Most Sunnis, however, condemn the practice of Mut'a as little more than prostitution.

"Those gay Persian bastards!" declared Mohammed Mahdi Akef, head of the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt. "First they whore out their women, and now this?!? What's next? Man-on-camel coitus? Death to the Persians! Death to America! Death to the Zionist dogs!"

Reaction was equally negative in Israel. "This is just a ploy to destroy the Jewish State," commented Deputy Prime Minister Avigdor Lieberman. Lieberman is also head of the right-wing Yisrael Beytenu party and Minister of Strategic Affairs, a portfolio that focuses on the Iranian threat. "It all makes sense. They use this temporary gay marriage to disguise the contraband that they shove up their rectum. One day, one of those terrorists will anally swallow a nuclear suppository, breach our borders, pass gas and KABOOM! Israel cannot stand for this dirty, dirty bomb."

The Iranian fatwa received mixed reactions in the U.S.

"They're going to hell anyway, so what's the difference? Believe in Jesus, and then we'll talk," stated Christian televangelist Pat Robertson.

"I applaud Grand Ayatollah Khamenei for demonstrating that Islam truly is a religion of tolerance," exclaimed Neil Giuliano, president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation [GLAAD]. "My organization is working with Khamenei to promote acceptance of this decree. In fact, as we speak rainbow flags donated by GLAAD are being placed on lightposts throughout the city of Tehran."

Tony Snow, Press Secretary for U.S. President George W. Bush, announced "The President firmly believes that marriage--even if it is only temporary--is between a man and a woman. The U.S. is currently preparing a resolution for the U.N. Security Council to enshrine this principle in international law. If the resolution passes and the Iranians refuse to abide by it, or if the resolution fails, we are prepared to act unilaterally."

When further questioned as to what unilateral action the U.S. might take, Snow replied, "Two words: butt plugs." He would not elaborate.