Peres: Its a Hoax. Israel has no Nukes!

A Cafe Cordover Satire

Newly inaugurated Israeli President Shimon Peres had a surprise announcement for the world: Israel has no nuclear weapons. "You know, I was playing a practical joke on Yitzy [Yitzhak Rabin, then Chief of Staff of the Israeli Defense Forces]. It was the swinging '60's, and we all were doing crazy stuff, if you know what I mean. I was high on the Purple Haze, and I said to Yitzy, 'Guess what, we have nukes!' And he almost crapped himself. But then I told him I was kidding, and he dared me to play the prank on Levi [then Israeli Prime Minister Levi Eshkol]."

Apparently Eshkol did not find the joke so amusing. He ordered the Shin Bet [Israel's internal security service, akin to the FBI] to perform an "atomic wedgie" on Peres. But Eshkol decided to incorporate Peres' practical joke into Israel's defense policy.

Peres, who in the 1960's was Israel's Deputy Defense Minister and considered the founder of the Jewish State's nuclear program and policy, was candid about Israel's sleight of hand.

"I called it 'nuclear ambiguity,'" explained Peres. "It meant that Israel would neither confirm nor deny that we had nuclear weapons. I never thought that anyone would take that to mean that we actually had nukes, but they did! Boy, does everybody have egg on their face!"

Current Israeli Defense Minister, and former Prime Minister, Ehud Barak was not pleased at Peres' announcement. "Shimon can't keep his big mouth shut! I swear, I told him about a great porno I rented last week, and he blabbed it all over the Knesset [Israeli Parliament]. It was a great one, too, with a horse and a midget. I told him in confidence, but, no! He can't keep a secret. Wait, is this on record?"

Some Arab leaders appreciated the hoax. "Oh, those Jews are so funny!" exclaimed Libyan chief Muammar Gaddafi. "It's amazing that throughout their history they've been persecuted, but the Jews have been able to keep their sense of humor. I've always loved Jerry Seinfeld. And that Jon Stewart! He's so irreverent!"

Other Arab leaders were not amused. "I always knew that the Zionist regime was filled with dirty liars," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "First they said that 2,000 years ago there were Jews in Palestine. Then they claimed that Albert Einstein was one of them. I mean, what's next? That the Mossad [Israeli intelligence service, akin to the CIA] was not responsible for 9/11? Come on!"

U.S. President George W. Bush was unavailable for comment, as he was in the middle of a colonoscopy. But Vice President Richard Cheney, who assumed presidential responsibilities during Bush's operation, immediately proclaimed Peres a member of the Axis of Evil. And then he bombed Iran.